This is how I have felt… Stuck and Stagnant and it is the worst feeling imaginable. If I take time to really look deeper at the feeling I would say it is an illusion that comes from fear and the fact that I’ve been comparing myself to others and to well… ME.
I am NOT stuck I am a SURVIVOR. If I had stayed in that situation I would have been stuck and maybe even dead, but I kept a level-head and was able to pull myself out of that situation.
My worst fear even before I got into the relationship was being stuck and stagnant and when I was there I truly was stuck, but I do know that when I get to this place of being (or rather feeling) I don’t always make the best choices for my future. What gives me faith though was that even in the midst of being stuck, when I was constantly living in fear and not sure if I would see another day, when someone was constantly tearing me down, I was still able to be strong and keep my spirit in my heart even in the face of disillusionment. I survived, I kept my spirit intact, and I was able to get out.
When I first got out. I was so full of joy and being able to live my life was a novelty. I wanted to do and learn everything I had always wanted to do in the past. Right now I want to take a snap-shot of this spirit and capture it so I can apply it to my life right now.
After only 2 months of being free another threat was posed to my life and it dampened my spirit a little. I was back to looking over my shoulder and to this day still have to. I still hid behind a smile and played it off like everything was wonderful. A few friends called me phony and said they could see through my smiles and thought my happiness was fake. I tried to ignore it though it hurt that my own friends would tell me this. That year I spent a lot of time perusing my scrap book and photos looking at pictures from my past and comparing my smile…At that time I observed that I smiled differently. Before it was pure joy and at that point in my journey my eyes showed evidence of pain that I hoped only I could see.
I stayed too busy to stay stuck in pain and lived like I had never lived before. I focused on the positive and at this point I discovered that at my BEST I am a free spirit and an artist.
From the time I escaped it seemed like things just kept getting better. I was reunited with my family and friends, I got a job only one month after I returned that I am still working on today and I absolutely love it, I started losing all that stress weight, I fulfilled my dream to complete a triathlon and have actually completed two, I worked at the local swim shop and wrote their newsletter (fulfilling my dream of working at a swim shop AND for a local business), I went to Rainbow Gathering with my best friend/Kindred Spirit, I met some amazing people from ALL walks of life, I joined the board for a non-profit that supports a cause that is close to my heart and I helped put on our first fundraising event where I was a guest speaker, I met and got to date my best friend, I fell in love, I experienced my first healthy relationship, I recovered from a painful break-up, I have been able to be there for my younger sister, I started painting again and also singing and am getting my voice back.
These are all positive things and I know that I am learning and growing yet still somehow I have managed to spend time in depression. It feels like the biggest waste of time to me and I hate it. It keeps me from whom I want to become. My latest stuck and stagnant thought is feeling like after two years of being back and out of that toxic situation that I haven’t made enough progress or that I’m going backwards. I thought I would be happier and farther along with my healing. I get scared because in a few months I will be 25 and I feel like I hardly have anything to show for it… I put on weight again and I’ve been stuck in a pity party which I think is pathetic. I have so much to be grateful for and am safer than I have been in a long time I wish I could just take that and run with it and create something beautiful with my life.
Growing up I was the goodie goodie girl who rarely ever broke rules. I was a perfectionist who liked to be involved in as many things as she could: swimmer, played violin, orchestra, symphony, piano, singing, painting, there was probably more in addition to school. Almost all those disciplines had concerts, recitals, competitions, or something to prepare for… Some people like to say it came easy for me, but it didn’t. I worked hard. How did I do it??? I would write out a schedule allotting time for what needed to be done and often I would be up at 3:45 practicing before school then I would go to sometimes swim practice, go to school, go to swim practice, do homework then practice sometimes past midnight. It worked, but took so much time that my social life was pretty much non-existent. I was happy though.
Then when I grew up life became more complicated. As a recovering perfectionist, I used to be able to fit my life together like a picture perfect puzzle, but now I think the pieces are on the floor and it is time for me to create a mosaic from the pieces of that puzzle. I don’t want the mosaic to just be about me. I want it to be a big picture full of the lives I want to help and the difference I want to make.
I love you ALL,