There was a time when my life was not my own…
I think the hardest part was not being allowed to write without my journals being ripped and shredded. Told that journaling or writing was something stupid people did because they could not formulate or develop thoughts without writing them down. That same person always said that self-help books were also stupid because it kept people from thinking on their own. It is hard to live under a magnifying glass especially when the person on the other end demands that the image look a certain way.
You look in the mirror and have a hard time recognizing yourself. The windows to your soul shrouded with pain and misery… Missing the sparkle and vibrancy that used to shine through. Wrinkles and folds developing around them as a result of tearful sleepless nightmares of nights.
I still found ways to write. I wrote handwritten letters to my best friend, my sister, and my Grandma and lived to receive a response in the mail… My connection to the world and a brighter happier life that felt like a faded flashback from my past.
When you sing songs to yourself that your mother used to sing to you and it brings tears to your eyes because you wonder if you will ever see your mother again…
You still hang on to hope of happier brighter days and that is what keeps you alive.
The only hope of lifting the “life-sentence” was fixing myself and being what he wanted me to be. If I could just “fix myself” then maybe our problems would go away… I tried and tried, but the problems and my “flaws” multiplied to him. It is crazy what you believe when you are disillusioned and brainwashed.
One sleepless night, I decided that I was not the problem. I wanted to find solutions and get my life back. I prayed about it and knew it would be a journey I would have to take on my own.
I came home feeling broken and alone, but I survived the nightmares and wanted to reinvent my life. When I got out I felt the euphoria of being alive. I had so much energy and endless ambitions.
With support, hope, unconditional love, and faith; I believe that anyone can heal from anything.
I have come a long ways in my healing and have progressed from where I was. I still get frustrated that I am not exactly where I would like to be. Sometimes I still feel stuck in survival mode. Just persevering through each day trying to make it.
I want to do so much more with my life than just “make it.” Changes definitely need to take place for me to go from surviving to thriving. I know that I began this journey a little over 4 years ago. I just need to remind myself that change takes time.
Survive -continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship.
I know that I am already capable of surviving. It is definitely an accomplishment to continue living despite challenges and hardships, but it takes a lot of energy and can be draining. I believe that when we get stuck in fight or flight, survival becomes a habit.
Thrive -grow or develop well or vigorously. Flourish.
I would much rather thrive and live a life that I love and dream of living. I think that thriving means being present and living in the moment. Being bold, always learning, and taking on new challenges. Not being afraid to dream BIG.
I want to learn how to dream again. To be creative. I have noticed lately that I have been struggling to figure out what I want to write about when I blog. Is it my past perfectionism trying to return? Or is it fear that my writing will not be very good?
Whatever it is, I want to face it and begin living out LOUD.
What are practices and things your do in your life that help you to thrive?