I Miss My Best Friend Like You Wouldn’t Believe…

 He blows me kisses and runs with me in the sunshine and the pouring down rain.
He writes me handwritten letters and we cook together.
He prays and goes to church with me even though it was never a part of his life before.
He wants me to be Complete and Free.
He wants me to be Me.
He calls me Sunshine, Beautiful, and Butterfly.
He says he loves me.
He bought me flowers and told me I was worth-it.
He thinks I'm beautiful and brings us to the most beautiful places.
We planted a garden.
We laugh.
We make love.
We snuggle endlessly and steal moments.
He notices so many details about me. My make-up and jewelry. Waves in my hair.
My energy.
I fell in love with him and wanted to give him my heart.
He treated me SO well those times he wasn't so distant.
He held me close.
He held me while I cried.
He asked me what it feels like to be in love.
He said he has given me as much of his heart as he is willing to right now and itis not all of it because he is scared.
Now I can see he is not in love with me.

I wrote this exactly 3 years ago.  Everything is accurate except the end when I wrote that he did not really love me.  Looking back I can see that he clearly loved me with his words and actions.  We were best friends way longer than we were ever lovers.  He celebrated my victories with me and carried me through so much pain.  I did the same for him and we made such a great team.  Whenever he observed (without me even telling him) that I was sad or feeling week he would look into my eyes and say something like, “I think you are so strong.”  Or “Alana, you are beautiful.” When I cried he would hold me and kiss away my tears.

He was my 1st true love and what we had was Undeniably Indescribable.  Now I almost feel stupid for pushing him to go.  He needed to go and I needed to Grow.  Even if we never ever meet again.  At least I know that true love is possible and that I should NEVER EVER settle for less than Butterflies.

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