The Truth is…

f2f58b61d235d066eefa9240d9800a5dThe truth is that I struggle with this far more than I would like to admit.  It is my goal to be a vibrant, strong, and independent woman.  I also want to be beautiful.  I hate to admit that I seek approval and validation far more than I should.  I am not even sure why I do it.

This evening my boyfriend and I had a heart to heart.  We talked about how I need to be able to push myself and that I cannot always depend on him to push me because he has to be able to push himself too.  I know that it is true, but for some reason it made me feel sad.  I decided to look within for the answers and I found out that I felt sad because I am scared.  I am afraid of being alone and being unsuccessful at pushing myself.  I am afraid of working and trying hard and still failing.  What if I give it my very best and still fail to reach my goals?  

I have spent so much of my time and life being a people-pleaser and focusing on others more than myself.  Time alone used to be excruciatingly uncomfortable.  With time I have gotten better at it.  It is still challenging for me to stay completely focused and push myself.  I know that we will need to spend a little less time together and more time individually focusing on our own goals.  I worry that if we spend less time together we will grow apart or that I will miss out on memories and moments we can have together.  

The more I look within, the more I realize that these worries and insecurities are coming from my fears.  I do not want to live my life in fear anymore.  I want to get past my fears and elevate myself and my life.  I also want us to have a healthy relationship.  A relationship is healthiest when both people are healthy and accomplishing their goals and dreams.

A few years ago, a close friend of mine said that one of the most important things for a woman to have in a relationship is her independence.  I can see that this is true, but it scares me and sometimes feels like a paradox.  Is it possible to be in an intimate relationship and be independent?  I think that both individuals being strong independently is essential for a healthy relationship.  This concept and way of thinking is new to me.  It could be the reason why my past relationships were unhealthy and brought me down.

I am ready to change.  I want to become a strong and independent woman AND I want my relationship to be healthy.  I am learning that it is okay for me to have my own life and spend time on me.

4 thoughts on “The Truth is…

  1. Reblogged this on Living Out Loud and commented:

    I wrote this post exactly a year ago and it was touching because I can look back and see the progress that I have made in a year’s time. I still seek validation every now and then, and have my crazy little insecurities, but they have lessened.
    I have been working hard and am actively taking steps to better myself. I have learned that the best remedy for insecurity is to TAKE ACTION!!!!

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