I have had lots of different thoughts swirling in my mind lately and this evening when I was cleaning my house I discovered a couple of realizations about myself… I am about to make more big changes in my life (hopefully for the best) and I think this is a perfect time for some deep and thoughtful self-reflection.
The first major observation that I have drawn this week is the fact that I still cave and crumble under scrutiny and when I feel like I am being judged. I am a little disappointed in myself because I thought that by now (in my later 20’s) that I would feel more confident and comfortable in my own skin. But the fact is, my friends, that I am still growing into myself.
That fact hasn’t put my concerns to rest…Where has the time gone and what have I been doing with my life? I have made peace with my past and have forgiven myself for my mistakes and the time I wasted from 17-22, but I was in my early 20s when I came home and now here I stand… In my late 20s swiftly approaching 30… That’s a scary thought!
It took me 4 years to heal and make peace with my past. I know that I am still a work in progress and I have a long ways to go, but I am happy with the progress I have made since then. This healing journey has been such a slow and sometimes frustrating process, but I like who I am becoming.
I think I allowed myself to stay in the unhealthy situation because I gave up on myself a little and I didn’t think that I deserved better. I was brainwashed and broken down into thinking that the problems were always my fault…
I spent a good 4 years stuck in survival mode struggling to get by and just trying to make it. It wasn’t until very recently this year that I have been able to transition from surviving to thriving. Old habits are hard to break and thriving feels a lot more challenging than surviving at this point.
I still stumble on some of the rubble of past disasters that happened in my life. And sometimes I get stuck. These instances manifest themselves in my self-sabotage pattern. And the times that I am easily distracted or easily discouraged. I still struggle with self-esteem, confidence, and believing in myself and I think that these struggles make everything a lot harder for me because it affects everything that I do. I want to change this and break these unhealthy habits/cycles. Luckily, my most unhealthy vice is junk food and lack of exercise and that is something that I can change.
They say that your 20s are the years when you find yourself and your identity. That sure sets a high bar for 30s. Am I supposed to have it all figured out and have my life assembled by then? I guess I better get to work!
I hate the fact that I still get stuck and hung up and sometimes I sabotage myself and put myself down. Maybe it is true that I don’t care for myself as much as I should. This evening I realized that I should care because this is my one life. I want to do better for myself, but not just for me. I want to do better for my family. I want to do better and contribute to making this world a better place. And I want to do better for myself and my future.