What Now?

I don’t exactly regret what I have done and where I have been up until this point.  My life has had its ups and downs and I have learned so many lessons along the way.  I do like who I am becoming, but if I am completely honest with myself; I would say that I am concerned and a little worried about myself.

What are my concerns & worries?

  1. I am getting olderI am 28 now and that just seems a little… well, old.
  2. I feel like I should have more to show for my life.  I always thought that by now I would have a professional career.  Or be married with a family…  Just some form of accomplishment beyond “making it” through my early and mid-twenties.
  3. I wish I had more practical skillsLet’s face it, I have worked at a swimming pool for the past 10 + years.  Lifeguarding, teaching swim lessons, teaching water group fitness, managing, coaching swim team, you name it.  If it takes place at a swimming pool I have probably done it.  I definitely love coaching, but time has taught me that a career in the pool arena does not provide a live-able wage.
  4. I want to be stronger.  My feelings get easily hurt and I allow the words and actions of others to bring me down farther and longer than I should.
  5. I have severe anxiety.  For example, I finally made a decision about my studies and I officially start classes this upcoming Monday.  That is up and coming so FAST and I don’t feel ready for this at all.
  6. I live a life of fearI think being afraid is a bad habit and it holds me back in life.
  7. I still have SEVERELY low confidence and self-esteemI hate this about myself and I want to change it. 
  8. I don’t have the discipline to get healthy and stay in shapeI still lack willpower and I cope with food. 
  9. I feel like people take me for granted and disrespect me.  I try so hard to be good to the people that I love, but get upset and deeply hurt when they take me for granted.
  10. I don’t feel like I am enough.  I never feel like I am good enough, strong enough, healthy enough, strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough, loveable enough… And it hurts.

It must sound like I am having a pity party and maybe I am.  I have all these fears, doubts, and insecurities swirling around in my mind and honestly, it’s enough to make a grown woman cry.  I mean that somewhat jokingly,  of course.

These are the daily battles that I have fought for most of my life and the fact is that they will not go away until I CHANGE.

What NOW?!?!

  1. We are all growing older.  It is just a fact of life and beyond the wonders of modern technology; no one can turn back time.  I don’t want to spend my life beating myself up for growing older.  Instead I will take better care of myself and better myself.
  2. Yeah, this one is tough.  I will take responsibility for the time that I wasted, the days that I slacked off, and all the years that I felt like I was not good enough.  I can’t change what happened in the past, but I can sure as heck direct my future!!!
  3. I have been working hard to acquire computer skills and I am officially studying computer science in school.  I don’t think that I have been pushing myself as much as I should and could so I better start now.  Everyone has to start somewhere,right?  I want to take off and run with it!!!
  4. I used to annoy my peers by saying, “Nervousness only comes from a lack of preparation.”  I need to take my own advice and work my ass off to achieve excellence.
  5. Switch 4 and 5 please!  I need to set my mind, heart, and soul on being strong and not allowing others to get me down.  If the tears happen, that’s okay but I won’t let myself drag through the day.
  6. From now on if I have ANY fear in my life it will stand for: Fight Everyday And Rise.
  7. I need to work harder on bettering myself mentally, physically, personally, intellectually, and spiritually.
  8. I am going to start running again and hitting the gym.  It is time for my new life to begin!
  9. I will not allow others to have so much power over me anymore.  It is a sorry excuse and I don’t want to be a sorry person.
  10. I am enough and I can be so much MORE!  Time to take action.
I have laid it all out for myself.  Those were my problems and now I have solutions!
I am ready to grow into a better version of myself!!!
Love, Joy, and Blessings Always,
Alana Xoxoxo

2 thoughts on “What Now?

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