Who is the one person you hope isn’t reading your blog?
I hate to admit it, but if I am honest with myself it would probably be my mom…
I guess I could have made more of an effort to disguise myself and be anonymous, but when I started my blog I had no idea what I was doing. Is it funny to think that I would want to be private about the fact that I have a blog?
I sort of operate from both ends of the spectrum. Back when I had a Facebook my WordPress was connected and every time I published a post it would also show up on my Facebook. My mom was never one of my Facebook friends either. I have also noticed that I am cautious about who I tell about my blog. I usually only tell my closest friends and people that I know I can trust. This is kind of ironic because my blog is public and I also want to be real and candid about how I am.
There have been times when I have mentioned my blog to my mom and have even read or shown her excerpts from my posts, but I haven’t directly given her the link without supervision.
What is the origin of my apprehension?…
I think it is similar to my sentiment around my journals. I have kept a journal for many years and in my teens I used to try to censor it. Then one day in my early twenties after I had seen the world and been through some $hit I decided that I was done censoring. I wanted to express myself honestly and completely because I wanted to be able to look back and remember what it was like to be 23 years old. I knew that every year would be unique and hopefully if I stopped censoring then I would be able to capture the essence of that time in my life.
Very recently my mom said that she read my journals and she suggested that I burn them. It honestly hurt to hear her say that on many levels. She also said that she read them because she saw my sister read them and so she thought she should read what my sister was reading. Yes, my early 20’s were tumultuous. I had severe PTSD and was a survivor of violent assault. I have never been suicidal, but I wrote all the time to cope and process my pain. I don’t believe in bottling up and burying emotions. I used to try to do that. I would hide behind a smile and act like nothing was wrong and as a result I was numb for many years. It worked for awhile, but my pain would manifest itself through body memory, flashbacks, etc. I believe that it is important to feel and express yourself in some way so that someday you can let the pain and feelings go and ultimately move on. That is why I journal. It is a harmless outlet and a way to express myself and my emotions.
That brings me to this current moment with this blog. Maybe sometimes I do overshare a little, but I don’t think that I have anything to be ashamed of… It has helped me to learn, grow, and heal in so many ways. I have been so inspired by the stories and experiences of others and it has been a blessing to be able to share my stories, highs, lows, and in between times with all of you.
Is it strange and wrong that I feel this way regarding my blog and my mom? Please comment below to share your thoughts. Also, who is one person that you hope isn’t reading your blog?
Love, Joy, and Blessings Always,
❤ Alana Xoxoxo