Keep Out

Who is the one person you hope isn’t reading your blog?
Why?

I hate to admit it, but if I am honest with myself it would probably be my mom…

I guess I could have made more of an effort to disguise myself and be anonymous, but when I started my blog I had no idea what I was doing.  Is it funny to think that I would want to be private about the fact that I have a blog?

I sort of operate from both ends of the spectrum.  Back when I had a Facebook my WordPress was connected and every time I published a post it would also show up on my Facebook.  My mom was never one of my Facebook friends either.  I have also noticed that I am cautious about who I tell about my blog.  I usually only tell my closest friends and people that I know I can trust.  This is kind of ironic because my blog is public and I also want to be real and candid about how I am.

There have been times when I have mentioned my blog to my mom and have even read or shown her excerpts from my posts, but I haven’t directly given her the link without supervision.

What is the origin of my apprehension?…

I think it is similar to my sentiment around my journals.  I have kept a journal for many years and in my teens I used to try to censor it.  Then one day in my early twenties after I had seen the world and been through some $hit I decided that I was done censoring.  I wanted to express myself honestly and completely because I wanted to be able to look back and remember what it was like to be 23 years old.  I knew that every year would be unique and hopefully if I stopped censoring then I would be able to capture the essence of that time in my life.

Very recently my mom  said that she read my journals and she suggested that I burn them.  It honestly hurt to hear her say that on many levels.  She also said that she read them because she saw my sister read them and so she thought she should read what my sister was reading.  Yes, my early 20’s were tumultuous.  I had severe PTSD and was a survivor of violent assault.  I have never been suicidal, but I wrote all the time to cope and process my pain.  I don’t believe in bottling up and burying emotions.  I used to try to do that.  I would hide behind a smile and act like nothing was wrong and as a result I was numb for many years.  It worked for awhile, but my pain would manifest itself through body memory, flashbacks, etc.  I believe that it is important to feel and express yourself in some way so that someday you can let the pain and feelings go and ultimately move on.  That is why I journal.  It is a harmless outlet and a way to express myself and my emotions.

That brings me to this current moment with this blog.  Maybe sometimes I do overshare a little, but I don’t think that I have anything to be ashamed of…  It has helped me to learn, grow, and heal in so many ways.  I have been so inspired by the stories and experiences of others and it has been a blessing to be able to share my stories, highs, lows, and in between times with all of you.

Is it strange and wrong that I feel this way regarding my blog and my mom?  Please comment below to share your thoughts.  Also, who is one person that you hope isn’t reading your blog?

Love, Joy, and Blessings Always,

❤ Alana Xoxoxo

 

12 thoughts on “Keep Out

  1. Hi. The feeling I read here I believe is natural. Yes it does happen to most of us that sometimes we want someone to read a particular post of us or the blog for the messege we want to convey indirectly. However, sometimes we also don’t want someone to not read out our blog possibly because we are afraid of their take towards a particular description of our emotions here. As for me, it’s with my dad. He definitely knows about my blog but hasn’t actually gone through any of it . For like if I post something about being hurt, it’s casual and a part of daily life but he might take it otherwise. Besides which parent would want to listen such stories of their children. No matter whenever the world goes , parents feelings are always different. I had never thought about this before until I read your post 🙂 Keep Writing.

    1. Hello Dear Friend,
      Thank you for listening and responding <3. I agree, it can be tricky especially since a lot of what we want to say and expressed can get "lost in translation" or interpreted differently from how we intended it to be. I definitely will keep writing and hope you will too. Thanks again 🙂

      ❤ Alana

  2. I don’t know about your mom or mum as we say in the uk but I totally understand your public/private issue with your blog. I have a page on Facebook where I share my blog but I always feel embarrassed about sharing on my personal page. And as for posting a link and asking my personal friends to share as some marketing blogs suggest, I don’t think so!
    Enjoyable post, best wishes, Steve

  3. I have a journal (a notebook) that I still keep, and it’s where I write what I cannot write on my blog. There are things I cannot write on my blog because I don’t want to hurt some people in my present life who may be hurt by what I write, especially when I write about my past. I share my blog with my Facebook friends because I personally know all of them, and they know me. But for some reason I haven’t told my co-workers about my blog and I’m not keen on having them read it, even though I don’t write about them.

    1. Hello Therese!
      I think a combo of journal and blog is ideal 🙂 I can definitely relate to you. I am the same way when it comes to my co-workers too. My blog just feels so personal and I like to keep my work relationships professional and separate both parts of my life as much as possible.
      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your insights. Keep Writing!

      ❤ Alana

  4. I don’t think it’s weird. I’m the same way, nobody in my personal life knows the link of my blog. They know I blog but I’d /kill/ them if they ever try to find out my site.

  5. I thought I was the only person who is quite private about their blog. Pleased to know that i’m not. it is a bit strange that one the one hand I want the world to read my blog posts yet don’t want to lose the anonymity because actually blogging exposes a lot of my life and thoughts.

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