I Need To Level With Myself and the World

3 Weeks of School

2 Weeks of Being Terribly Sick

1.5 Weeks of Not being able to do any work
…Feeling Screwed…

The past month has been a whirlwind.  I got into a very science intensive/ strenuous academic program and felt like I was doing a decent job of keeping up in the first week.  I worked my butt off spending every waking moment studying.

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It felt like a lot to do in only the first week and some of the work was very challenging.  I was a little worried because I knew that it would probably get more involved with every class.

I have to level with myself and the world right now…  I was homeschooled for a majority of my life…  Excluding kindergarten, 3rd, and 4th grade; when my mom asked me if I wanted to be homeschooled because I was going to have a little sister I JUMPED at the chance.

Sadly, for most of my life it became a fact I was ashamed of and wanted to conceal.  My family was a religious Catholic family who wanted to protect me from the secular world.  At the time, I thought I was a devout Catholic too.  I still had exposure to the “outer world” Mortal-Kombat-Outworld in the form of swim team, and I played in the orchestra at the local public school.  I made lots of friends and we begged my parents to let me go to highschool.  I desperately wanted to be able to take biology and chemistry with labs and advanced math classes, but my parents thought it would be best if I just studied with a homeschool group that met twice a week.  I know they had good intentions in their heart.

I spent over a decade of my life feeling very insecure about my lack of math and science skills.  Additionally I was not allowed to have a computer so that was another area in which I called myself “old fashioned.”  I walked around saying that I was weak at math and science and stronger in art, music, and humanities, which was true.

One of my biggest regrets so far is the fact that I did not take much math and science in school.  So here I am now at the college level learning everything for what feels like the first time.  I struggle with social anxiety and feel stressed about the fact that I don’t have a background in these subject matters.  My mind often wanders to thinking that these kids all have an edge that I don’t because they got to study these subjects in high school.

So there you have it.  The deep secret that I always tried to keep.  When people asked me what highschool I went to, I would lie and say I went to the highschool that was in my school district.  I technically did for a little while.  I swam and played violin?

Now I look back and see that it is sad that I had to be ashamed of who I was and my background.  Even now, I am still self-conscious and don’t want to tell people that I am homeschooled.  Back in the day, I felt like people treated me differently once they found out…  All of a sudden I wasn’t cool anymore.

Now I have put it out there for the world and myself to see.  I was once homeschooled and I did not study math or science and I did not have a computer until 2 years ago, but my past does not define me.

I get to choose how I spend my time and the resources for me to catch up are out there for me.  I have a ton of catching up to do…

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And I would definitely be lying if I said that I am not overwhelmed by this.  I am still too sick to go to class, but I need to do what I can.  And I will take it step-by-step.  I will study and learn and steadily check those items off of my list.

How do you catch up when you feel like you are falling behind?  What are some of your favorite home remedies when you are feeling sick?  Please comment below to share your tips and tricks!

Love, Joy, and Blessings Always,

❤ Alana

4 thoughts on “I Need To Level With Myself and the World

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