A few days ago I thought that it would be a good idea for me to reflect on my past. I also wrote an open letter to my abuser to help me let go and move forward.
It was a good idea in theory. My 20’s are rapidly coming to a close and self-reflection is a great way to learn from the past and grow. At the same time, I have spent years working on overcoming my past and healing. I suffered through many sleepless nights and other nights I cried myself to sleep. I shared my story. Hid my story. And finally I learned that the best way to heal was to simply stop thinking about it and to stop replaying the story in my mind. Every time I talked about it and shared those painful parts of my experience, I also experienced that pain again. My significant other helped me to move forward by reminding me not to dwell on the past and it worked.
I have noticed that that sad and heartbroken girl feels more and more like a stranger everyday. I can’t help but feel so sad for her. I wish I could have been there to love and support her and remind her that she was destined for greatness.
After recounting the pain I experienced in my early 20’s a few days ago, I have felt so sad and out of sorts. Today I think I fell into a full-blown depression.
I think back on that time and it is just SO SAD. I felt so lost and alone, but yet I still found so many reasons to be happy and hopeful. Maybe it is this fact that makes me feel even more sad today. I trusted and believed in people who hurt me and only let me down. I allowed the opinions of others to break me down. I spent so many years of my 20’s feeling so sad, insecure, and inadequate. Like I had nothing to show for the time I had been around.
Today it hit me so hard and that sadness has managed to seep in and stay with me. I have so many reasons to be happy and yet I feel drained and like I am dreading tomorrow. I don’t want to wake up and go to work I just want to hide in bed and cry…
I guess it goes to show that our thoughts our so powerful and they can bring us down if we continue to give them power.
But our thoughts can also be powerful in a positive way.
I really don’t want to be sad, miserable, and depressed on my birthday. Tomorrow is the last day of my twenties and then on Sunday I turn 30. I honestly don’t want to go to work tomorrow because I feel so depressed, but I am going to do my best to think more positively.
I have gone through lots of emotionally charged memories and August was always a very painful month for me emotionally. Let’s see if I can pull myself back up and turn my frown upside down.
I am here with someone who loves me and my 2 cats. We are working on big, exciting things I just need to find a way to be happy again.