Looking Back On My Story Made Me So Sad

A few days ago I thought that it would be a good idea for me to reflect on my past.  I also wrote an open letter to my abuser to help me let go and move forward.

It was a good idea in theory.  My 20’s are rapidly coming to a close and self-reflection is a great way to learn from the past and grow.  At the same time, I have spent years working on overcoming my past and healing.  I suffered through many sleepless nights and other nights I cried myself to sleep.  I shared my story.  Hid my story.  And finally I learned that the best way to heal was to simply stop thinking about it and to stop replaying the story in my mind.  Every time I talked about it and shared those painful parts of my experience, I also experienced that pain again.  My significant other helped me to move forward by reminding me not to dwell on the past and it worked.

I have noticed that that sad and heartbroken girl feels more and more like a stranger everyday.  I can’t help but feel so sad for her.  I wish I could have been there to love and support her and remind her that she was destined for greatness.

After recounting the pain I experienced in my early 20’s a few days ago, I have felt so sad and out of sorts.  Today I think I fell into a full-blown depression.

I think back on that time and it is just SO SAD.  I felt so lost and alone, but yet I still found so many reasons to be happy and hopeful.  Maybe it is this fact that makes me feel even more sad today.  I trusted and believed in people who hurt me and only let me down.  I allowed the opinions of others to break me down.  I spent so many years of my 20’s feeling so sad, insecure, and inadequate.  Like I had nothing to show for the time I had been around.

Today it hit me so hard and that sadness has managed to seep in and stay with me.  I have so many reasons to be happy and yet I feel drained and like I am dreading tomorrow.  I don’t want to wake up and go to work I just want to hide in bed and cry…

I guess it goes to show that our thoughts our so powerful and they can bring us down if we continue to give them power.

But our thoughts can also be powerful in a positive way.

I really don’t want to be sad, miserable, and depressed on my birthday.  Tomorrow is the last day of my twenties and then on Sunday I turn 30.  I honestly don’t want to go to work tomorrow because I feel so depressed, but I am going to do my best to think more positively.

I have gone through lots of emotionally charged memories and August was always a very painful month for me emotionally.  Let’s see if I can pull myself back up and turn my frown upside down.

I am here with someone who loves me and my 2 cats.  We are working on big, exciting things I just need to find a way to be happy again.

❤ Alana

4 thoughts on “Looking Back On My Story Made Me So Sad

  1. Hi Alana – it’s been quite a minute, but I logged into my account today for the first time in a while (dissertation and whatnot has had me busy) and I wanted to check up/check in with you. I read this post and my heart just sank sank sank…I hope you know that I care about you and think about you and your blog often.even if I haven’t been posting/commenting a lot.

    Let me tell you something though, that my sister told me on my 30th birthday last year (She is 33, and I’ll be 31 in October…so that’s happening…). Even though she and I do not talk to each other that much – mostly because we live in different states/time zones (I’m in Wisconsin, she is in Washington DC) and our schedules are wildly different – we always talk on each other’s birthdays. I told her how nervous I was to be turning 30, and not feeling too excited about it. She said something along the lines of…”turning 30 is a good thing, and the 30s are a great age. you know yourself way more than you did in your 20s, and a lot of things that were important then aren’t as important now, and there’s a lot less to worry about.” It’s kind of like, the twenties are the new teens, and the thirties are the new twenties…you have a whole new set of opportunities, and a lot of obstacles are no longer there. Almost all of my twenties were spent in school, and doing all the growing-up that I didn’t do in my teens. I’m 30 now, and still in school (lol…but hopefully not too much longer), and still learning things, and sure, there’s been moments of insanity, but there’s a surprising amount of calm that comes with having that 3 in front of your age. Not sure how else to explain it, but it’s like, you get to really prioritize what’s important in your life and focus on it, grown-up style. For example, I’ve been actively trying to really embrace the advantages I have in my life, and getting the urge to keep/build MEANINGFUL relationships with friends (like you!) that are quality, not quantity.

    I don’t know your email address, but I’d just love to hear from you, talk more, and communicate with you more often than the occasional comment. When you get a chance, if you like, just send a “hey what’s up” to jacobh1021 at yahoo dot com, as I’ve been feeling the urge to communicate more through email and messenger with friends. Hope you is having a good day and happy early birthday, dear darling Alana 🙂

    1. Hello Jacob! Wow, it really made my day to get your message and read your kind and inspiring words! Happy early birthday!!! It was so sweet of you to share your sister’s thoughts on 30 with me. Time goes so quickly, but I feel a lot better about entering my thirties now 🙂
      I admire you and the path you have taken. You have been working hard in school and your time and effort will definitely pay off 🙂
      Thanks for being such a wonderful and encouraging blog friend! I hope you will enjoy the rest of summer 🙂

      ❤ Alana

  2. I just read this post after reading the other post. OMG ALANA. I am still sending you a virtual hug. It’s easy for me to say to brush it off, or whatever… but really, I know you can do it by yourself. You have grown, matured, overcome so much worse! The thirties (I will follow you a year after, lol) is something I am looking forward to. It’s a new chapter in our lives. As much as our twenties have scarred us, I believe our thirties will be the time we conquer the world. There will always be bad days, and in those times, I hope you remember that there are people that truly love and support you. Aside from your family, partner, your cats, there’s also me, an unknown internet stranger who knows that you are an amazing person who deserves the best! ❤

    1. Thank you for the hugs, Kat! I am thankfully feeling better than I was feeling last week, but still a little out of sorts. It does feel good to finally be 30 and to be able to move forward. Your words mean the world to me and I am so happy that we can encourage each other. I hope you had a wonderful birthday!!!
      I don’t think you are a stranger, but a dear friend who is an amazing woman and an incredible writer!!!

      ❤ Alana

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