I Wish That I Could Still Be Friends With All the Friends I Have Ever Known…

We come into each other’s lives often unexpectedly, serendipitously,  and by pure surprise.

One day you declare to yourself that you are going to be a swimmer again then you kick yourself the next morning when your alarm goes off at an ungodly hour.  You wake up and show up and all of a sudden you are surrounded by beautiful souls who were also kicking themselves to the beat of their alarms.  Some of life’s best friendships are created just like that.

Or you are pulling yourself out of a dark place and want to feel strong and empowered so you take a Martial Arts class and the people embrace you like family.

Or somehow, the roommate of the friend of the guy you are seeing at the time, happens to be the same guy who had that sparkle in his eyes that you saw in the bookstore as you found yourself wishing for more.  More than a cynical dude who constantly criticized your weight…

Remember that group of Martial artists I told you about a few paragraphs ago?  Well, somehow, the girlfriend of one of these guys is the same girl that you saw driving a pepsi truck back in 2007 at your equestrian school.  During spring break you befriended her and enjoyed that week of sharing the same floor in a nun’s convent’s mansion and shared stories and earl Grey tea.  You never thought you would see this friend again especially since she did not have a computer and neither did you.  Also, your school did not allow you to have a cell phone.  Then 4 years later, you realize that the beautiful girl everyone describes that you never got to meet was that girl.  You reach out on facebook and are reunited with a beautiful soul and a new best friend…

You were beautifully broken at the time, but you had your own inner circle of support and life started to piece itself together in a beautiful mosaic.  You had Friday night movie night with your masters swim team friends, you ditched the grouchy, overly critical, draining dude.  And you took that chance and became running buddies then best friends and eventually dated the guy with the sparkle in his eye.

You knew you had a good thing, but you were deeply embedded in a cycle of self-sabotage.  It did not matter how many times your best friend told you she loved you and would always be there or that sparkly best friend told you you were beautiful, strong, and amazing.  You found it unbelievable because you did not think that you deserved that kind of love and acceptance.

I can see that back then “I became what I thought about.”

During that time, I thought I was unloveable so I became unloveable.  I was always sad or worried that I would do something to mess everything up.  Then one day out of the blue, I broke us up.   This was way back in 2012 (so 7 years ago now)  Back then, I said let’s break up and when he suggested a break, I said it should be a clean break.  I do not even know why other than the fact that I did not want to hold him back from his goals and dreams.  I think in my heart I hoped that in the end we would end up together.

I listened to my friends, who quickly turned into acquaintances, and then people I never talked to anymore.  When they said “what is meant to be will always find a way.”  I wanted him to miss me and come back to me.  I waited for years for him to come home and looked forward to all the stories we would tell each other about our lives, experiences, and adventures.

He never came back and life went on, but in the back of my heart it was hard to accept that he was gone…  Time truly heals just like he said it would.

I even lost my swim friends for a couple of years 5 to be exact, but luckily we recently have reunited.

 

I recently tried to reconnect to my beautiful friend.  I sent her a message and tried to add her on fb, but she never responded.

Through the years, I have made beautiful friends who were there for me when I was struggling.  It meant the world to me to have these people here when I needed friends the most.  Then as time went on, many of us grew apart.  Circumstances changed.  People moved away.  And some friends went on to travel the world or start their own families.

I love looking back on the memories and I often find myself wishing  that I could still be friends with all the friends that I have ever known.

Each friend has helped me grow in a special way and that is why I call them my angels.  I also want to take some time to apologize if I ever brought you down or complained too much. My life was so full of challenges and drama and you all made my life better.

I wish we could meet again, my friends, so that we can share stories about our experiences, adventures, and how we are living our lives out loud.  If you ever think of me, know that I am just a message away…  Please know that wherever you are, you made a difference in my life ❤

I am a completely different person from who I was back then and I am thankful for that.  Thankful for the fact that I love who I am becoming.

I am sad for those friends who had to go away and so thankful for the angels who continue to stay ❤

Love and Blessings Always.,

❤ Alana

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