Letting Go is Hard, but Being Free is Beautiful

I go through different phases with my struggles.

I hated getting lost.  Then one day after coaching at a swim meet all day long; the freeway was closed and I had to take a detour.  I did not have a GPS and was on the edge of a breakdown when I told myself that I should just enjoy the experience of not knowing where I was.  The drive was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.  I got to drive along the water and see the most beautiful views.  It also gave me a chance to familiarize myself with a new place.  After that I became a proficient navigator.

The Winter Pentathalon at Evergreen. I was coaching and my sister was swimming

Titlow pool before it became a park. I think this was the very last swim meet there

Brooklyn and I

There were years that I absolutely hated and fought change.  I wished with all my heart that things could just stay the same like the good old days.  One year I had to move 4 times and my car broke down.  I had to give up a good paying job that I commuted to and it felt like the ground had been pulled from beneath me.  It was such a stressful time and I grew weary from all the changes. Then one day I decided to start embracing changes.  I realized that change is the only thing that is constant in life and this realization brought me great peace.

It was a peaceful, safe place.

#1 I loved my room in the house on State Ave.

I loved the view from my bedroom window

#2 this was a beautiful place to spend my fall and winter, but it was a stressful time

I spent years hating myself.  I was so critical, judgmental, and could not stop saying the worst things to myself.  I talked about being fat, ugly, and a failure with not much to show for the time I had spent on earth.  It was an awful time in my life and I distracted myself by working too much and putting others first.  When people tried to make their stresses my stresses I let them.  This went on for years until I started to break down.  I could not stop getting sick and injured and towards the end of that year, I could barely function.  I realized that I needed to start loving myself.  And once I started that process my life slowly and surely started changing for the better.

I was convinced that I was technically illiterate and would never become a computer or technology person.  I was not raised with computers and did not have my own computer until 2015.  Can you believe that I have only been a computer user for about 4 years now?!?!  Now I cannot imagine life without computers and I am studying computer science and technology at a college level!

The struggle that I have not been able to shake yet  is letting go.  And letting go was an issue with all of these past issues.

When I hated getting lost; I hated it mostly because I felt like I was losing control.  Once I let go of that control, I was able to enjoy the ride.

I hated and fought change because I did not want to let go of the life that was familiar to me even if it was toxic.

I hated myself because it was a bad habit that was hard to let go of.  Once I started replacing those bad habits with good ones and letting go of my negative self-beliefs I was able to grow.

Back when I was not a computer person I justified it by saying that I was old fashioned.  I even fought the internet in high school and convinced myself that knowledge was way more valuable if it came out of an actual book.  But there came a time when I had to let go of those heavy books and encyclopedias and embrace the world wide web.  Also, moving 4 times proved to be very difficult with all of those heavy books.

And now after reflecting, I can see that letting go is what has been the overall struggle among my struggles.  I struggle with letting go of ideals, memories, people, lost love, friendships, and probably a little bit of everything.

I have noticed that life has been giving me lots of opportunities to practice letting go and they are becoming more and more pronounced.  I think I am ready to learn this lesson now and let it go so that I can grow…

❤