I go through different phases with my struggles.
I hated getting lost. Then one day after coaching at a swim meet all day long; the freeway was closed and I had to take a detour. I did not have a GPS and was on the edge of a breakdown when I told myself that I should just enjoy the experience of not knowing where I was. The drive was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I got to drive along the water and see the most beautiful views. It also gave me a chance to familiarize myself with a new place. After that I became a proficient navigator.
There were years that I absolutely hated and fought change. I wished with all my heart that things could just stay the same like the good old days. One year I had to move 4 times and my car broke down. I had to give up a good paying job that I commuted to and it felt like the ground had been pulled from beneath me. It was such a stressful time and I grew weary from all the changes. Then one day I decided to start embracing changes. I realized that change is the only thing that is constant in life and this realization brought me great peace.
I spent years hating myself. I was so critical, judgmental, and could not stop saying the worst things to myself. I talked about being fat, ugly, and a failure with not much to show for the time I had spent on earth. It was an awful time in my life and I distracted myself by working too much and putting others first. When people tried to make their stresses my stresses I let them. This went on for years until I started to break down. I could not stop getting sick and injured and towards the end of that year, I could barely function. I realized that I needed to start loving myself. And once I started that process my life slowly and surely started changing for the better.
I was convinced that I was technically illiterate and would never become a computer or technology person. I was not raised with computers and did not have my own computer until 2015. Can you believe that I have only been a computer user for about 4 years now?!?! Now I cannot imagine life without computers and I am studying computer science and technology at a college level!
The struggle that I have not been able to shake yet is letting go. And letting go was an issue with all of these past issues.
When I hated getting lost; I hated it mostly because I felt like I was losing control. Once I let go of that control, I was able to enjoy the ride.
I hated and fought change because I did not want to let go of the life that was familiar to me even if it was toxic.
I hated myself because it was a bad habit that was hard to let go of. Once I started replacing those bad habits with good ones and letting go of my negative self-beliefs I was able to grow.
Back when I was not a computer person I justified it by saying that I was old fashioned. I even fought the internet in high school and convinced myself that knowledge was way more valuable if it came out of an actual book. But there came a time when I had to let go of those heavy books and encyclopedias and embrace the world wide web. Also, moving 4 times proved to be very difficult with all of those heavy books.
And now after reflecting, I can see that letting go is what has been the overall struggle among my struggles. I struggle with letting go of ideals, memories, people, lost love, friendships, and probably a little bit of everything.
I have noticed that life has been giving me lots of opportunities to practice letting go and they are becoming more and more pronounced. I think I am ready to learn this lesson now and let it go so that I can grow…