Letting Go is Hard, but Being Free is Beautiful

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I go through different phases with my struggles.

I hated getting lost.  Then one day after coaching at a swim meet all day long; the freeway was closed and I had to take a detour.  I did not have a GPS and was on the edge of a breakdown when I told myself that I should just enjoy the experience of not knowing where I was.  The drive was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.  I got to drive along the water and see the most beautiful views.  It also gave me a chance to familiarize myself with a new place.  After that I became a proficient navigator.

There were years that I absolutely hated and fought change.  I wished with all my heart that things could just stay the same like the good old days.  One year I had to move 4 times and my car broke down.  I had to give up a good paying job that I commuted to and it felt like the ground had been pulled from beneath me.  It was such a stressful time and I grew weary from all the changes. Then one day I decided to start embracing changes.  I realized that change is the only thing that is constant in life and this realization brought me great peace.

I spent years hating myself.  I was so critical, judgmental, and could not stop saying the worst things to myself.  I talked about being fat, ugly, and a failure with not much to show for the time I had spent on earth.  It was an awful time in my life and I distracted myself by working too much and putting others first.  When people tried to make their stresses my stresses I let them.  This went on for years until I started to break down.  I could not stop getting sick and injured and towards the end of that year, I could barely function.  I realized that I needed to start loving myself.  And once I started that process my life slowly and surely started changing for the better.

I was convinced that I was technically illiterate and would never become a computer or technology person.  I was not raised with computers and did not have my own computer until 2015.  Can you believe that I have only been a computer user for about 4 years now?!?!  Now I cannot imagine life without computers and I am studying computer science and technology at a college level!

The struggle that I have not been able to shake yet  is letting go.  And letting go was an issue with all of these past issues.

When I hated getting lost; I hated it mostly because I felt like I was losing control.  Once I let go of that control, I was able to enjoy the ride.

I hated and fought change because I did not want to let go of the life that was familiar to me even if it was toxic.

I hated myself because it was a bad habit that was hard to let go of.  Once I started replacing those bad habits with good ones and letting go of my negative self-beliefs I was able to grow.

Back when I was not a computer person I justified it by saying that I was old fashioned.  I even fought the internet in high school and convinced myself that knowledge was way more valuable if it came out of an actual book.  But there came a time when I had to let go of those heavy books and encyclopedias and embrace the world wide web.  Also, moving 4 times proved to be very difficult with all of those heavy books.

And now after reflecting, I can see that letting go is what has been the overall struggle among my struggles.  I struggle with letting go of ideals, memories, people, lost love, friendships, and probably a little bit of everything.

I have noticed that life has been giving me lots of opportunities to practice letting go and they are becoming more and more pronounced.  I think I am ready to learn this lesson now and let it go so that I can grow…

 

3 thoughts on “Letting Go is Hard, but Being Free is Beautiful

  1. You’ve grown so much! Such wise words… I’m happy for you. And btw, you rock red lips! xoxo Sarah

    1. Thank you Sarah! That means a lot to me! These are the times that I am so thankful for blogging. It creates a timeline that helps me see how much I have grown. I also appreciate the fact that I can find old pics on here that are long gone everywhere else!
      And thanks! It has been fun to experiment with makeup 🙂

      ❤ Alana

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