The Sad Times Give Us Soul, but they also take a toll… Let this be the year that I let it go…


For the past 9 years, the time between my birthday (August 26th and August 29th) has always been a painful, tense, and emotional time for me.  9 years ago on my birthday I almost didn’t survive.  I had just turned 22 and that night I knew that I needed to create an escape plan for myself if I wanted to keep on living.

I was brainwashed and losing myself and I thought that I was the problem.  It was an awful, violent relationship and I had spent the past 2 years of my life hoping and praying it would work until that night.  I will not go into the awful details of that time in my life, but here is a post I wrote with the details if you are curious.  It was an open letter to my abuser.

I am thankful that I do not even experience the details of that time in my life anymore.  For years it haunted me with recurring nightmares, flashbacks, and through body memory.  Thankfully, those heartbreaking memories are fading away with time and that sad, beautifully broken girl that I was almost feels like a stranger.  I wish I could have been there for her back then and I am glad that she continued to hang on to hope.

It is true that the sad times give us soul, but they also take a toll.

Watercolor Painting by me ❤

I could not for the life of me figure out why I was feeling so off this week and I think this is a direct factor.  I have almost been afraid of tomorrow because it is August 29th (the year that I escaped and came home) I want this to be the year that I let it go.  My story will always be with me and I know that it has cut and sculpted me into who I am today, but I want to let it go so that I can set myself free.

I have made up my mind that tomorrow I will be extra gentle with myself.  I want to celebrate who I am today and how far I have come.

❤ Alana



14 thoughts on “The Sad Times Give Us Soul, but they also take a toll… Let this be the year that I let it go…

  1. You have quite an inspiring story and it sounds like you are active in your goal for living with wellness and health. Because people say ” time heals ” when actually it doesn’t – it is what we do and how we spend that time that can lead to empowering overcoming – and you know this –
    And sometimes time can act as a buffer or it can allow us distance for some things to dissipate – but other things take that active approach – working though it and growing – and the next nine years have some awesome things in store!

    1. Thank you so much! This past decade was definitely a wild ride (mostly on the struggle bus) I am thankful for the adventures, experiences, and lessons I have gained in the process. I know that growth and healing is ongoing.
      Speaking of which, last night my partner made a lighthearted comment about how we were both a little heavier than we could be and how it is a good time for us to focus on our health and hold each other accountable.
      I know it was not malicious at all, but it destroyed me. I felt such a strong sense of rejection and despair and was depressed for most of today. It is crazy how innocent words can be such a trigger.

      He is always supportive and he felt really bad. I realized that I have more work to do and am thankfully feeling a little better. Still sad and a little alarmed because I haven’t felt this depressed since 2012, but I know that I do not have to feel this sense of sorrow. I just need to keep looking upwards 🙂 We went for a nice long walk in the rain and he reminded me that I have had so many recent wins and they just haven’t sunk in yet and he loves me the way I am. Here’s to hopefully happier days 🙂

      1. yes – I know what you mean .
        we had friends over in March on this year – well my husband’s friends – this awesome couple – and the guy is a health coach – and he hinted that I have love handles.
        and I was shaking my head – and kind of laughed later – but it is true – love handles are there a little bit (not quite the muffin top thing some get)
        and well – your comment reminded me of it because after convincing my husband that his friend was hinting that I had love handles (and we both agreed it was because he was a health coach and he looks at people’s bodies – it is what he does… right – so let that slide)
        well the hubs and I laughed – my husband has been a PT health coach for almost two years and I said something like “why didn’t you say anything about my love handles”
        he said because he doesn’t really see them (sweet heart) and insisted they are not big…
        well he is cool like that – and I teased him that he actually knows not to mess because he would be sleeping in a BMW backseat. Not the couch – cos that is too soft and comfy – but the most miserable place to sleep is a BMW back seat – in case you didn’t know)

        anyhow, I have to admit that I have never cared too much about how my body looked – well one time I was nervous in 2005 because it was the first time my metabolism ws changing and I could not drop a few lbs in a matter of days –
        and then in 2012 I knew something was “wrong” in my gut and even though still mostly skinny – there was something off.
        Later I would find out that it was all kinds of accumulation – candidiasis infection – which can be subtle – heavy metal build up (from dental work, stupid flu shot (never again) and maybe a discontinued cream that had chemicals in it – ugh)

        and so let’s remember that health is what matters and while we want our body to feel comfy in clothes – and we want health so we we do not get disease –
        we also have to not let different phases wear us down.
        God really quieted my soul and comforted me when I was feeling all that intestinal stuff in 2012 – ugh – need to share more later –
        but thankfully I found cleanses and supplements to help restore my terrain from the inside out.
        and do not stress.
        take walks and enjoy this day for what it has while making small goals without being obsessed – and give it to God and see what he can do – he leads and feeds and I am still overwhelmed by what he showed me and led me to. I am humbled and really do see his powerful leading.
        I know your partner was just trying to connect and share and so you are wise to know that it is more from where you are at right now =-
        and we have sensitive times – especially after you worked out so much on and off for a long time –
        but results will come (esp. when eating it really refined and the metabolism is restored to where you burn fat and not sugar – people do not realize that sugar burning is a cycle – they work out like made and then eat carbs and it does not get to fat resources)
        oh and lastly – the guy who was here – and mentioned my love handles –
        well at one point – I looked at him – he was bragging about this guy’s 12 pack stomach –
        and I told him
        “You know – we really do not care that much about a sculpted an dHOT body. Seriously – I know that my hubs is a health coach and I do things to nurture my health – but at the end of the day = I really don’t care as much as you. Or the way you care. I want clothes to fit – I want to be disease free – but a ripped stomach does not make me impressed.”

        and that is how I feel.
        yes – we want to invest in our body – and seriously – it is crucial –
        but can you hold your head high and smile with what you have right now –
        sure you can and you need to
        and you need to not stop working at getting more of the body you want back –
        it will take time and it might seem like it is not saying off yet – but stay in there – it will come –
        I speak from experience and it feels so good to have that contentment – and you will get it too because you are wise.
        and so in the meantime, you both “enjoy” each others body’s for every curve and oxytocin-infused touch you get.
        Let touching ground you and enjoy whatever shape you have – and smile – because there is so much to be thankfully for –
        like air in the lungs and friends

      2. Thank you for sharing. It is so sweet what your husband said and how you were both able to keep it light and also stand up for yourself. Because it is so true. Health and being disease-free is key.

        Thank you for reminding me to be happy with how I am here and now. I have never been into heavy drinking or drugs (ever), but food was definitely my vice of choice. Looking back (when I am in a healthy state of mind) I have been able to refer to the extra fluff around my waist and body as armour. Now it is safe to let some of it go.

        Spending time outdoors definitely helps. This week my boyfriend and I went swimming at different beaches and yesterday I finally spent some time in the yard mowing with the push mower (which is good ss cardio) then weeding. I had been avoiding going outside because the mosquitoes demolish me even with repellent. Yesterday it rained a lot and I think they were hiding. There is something so grounding about working in the garden. I always enjoy your posts about your flowers and plants.

        Thank you for sharing some of your story and how you have been able to overcome health issues. You inspire me 🙂 I have Kelly Brogan’s book on hold at the library and have started visiting her website. I really appreciate the recommendation. The funny thing is “speaking of books” I started reading Nora Ephron’s “I Feel Bad About My Neck” earlier this week. I usually enjoy her dry humor, but I do not think it is the right time for me to read this because she talks non-stop about aging.

        Happy September! I hope this will be a wonderful month for you. Take good care, Dear Friend!

        ❤ Alana

      3. yeah – we have to watch what we read and not all books will give us the proper focus.
        and there is a very dark message in this world related to body image and I am so glad I was not caught up in a lot of that when younger – and funny thing is when I was dating my spouse – he was married before we met – well i do recall him mentioning that his ex gained like 90 pounds when pregnant – and I asked him how he felt about that and he was like – oh weight goes up and down – esp when with a baby –
        so he has just always had a great outlook.
        I did have to wait for him to mature in a few areas – hahah – and we have grown together so much (23 years and counting)
        and working as a health coach he has really gotten into people seeing the bigger picture
        and frees them from counting calories (which some people get into his case about – oh my gosh are we stubborn and then have confirmation bias) and he tells them it is not about the scale –
        and seriously alana – it is really related to food and then some of us have gunk to get out of our gut and GI

        I did want to suggest that you consider doing “easy enemas”
        Dr. Kelly Brogan has her clients do coffee enemas – which I need to read more about still –
        but you might be at a time in your life where a little “enema cleansing” will help your system feel better.
        The quick version of this is to buy a pack of “fleet enemas” disposable bottles. Dump the contents and then fill with coffee – or baking soda water – just a dash (check out youtube for baking soda enema tips) – and the lemon enemas are powerful – can be a little crampy –
        but do think about it because chances are it will help in your wellness protocol.
        I know there are bag enemas – but I skip all that and just do “easy enemas” with the disposable bottles – I reuse the bottles until they break down – some last a while – and some get a tiny hole and I toss them –
        but the biggest thing to do is to keep track of what you are doing – eating – and just keep analyzing –
        don’t grow weary – because if you stay the course you will find what your body needs – I believe you can –

      4. The timing couldn’t be more perfect. After I wrote my last comment to you Dr. Brogan’s book became available for me to borrow!

        Times have definitely changed and like you said, it is important to be weary and careful about the information we ingest. So much info is available and it is easy to get caught into the latest trend.
        It is beautiful that you have been married to your spouse for 23 years. Relationships take nurturing, patience, compromise, and courage. I haven’t done an enema yet, but I will read up on it. My system has been a little out of whack. Thank you.
        Back in AZ I kept a close food journal complete with times and everything. This is a good time to get back into it.
        Thanks again ❤

        ❤ Alana

      5. Well not to keep going on and on – ha! Burn again this is what we are passionate about – but eventually the goal is to get away from keeping track – once you know what you can have that makes you thrive – it really becomes a matter of that – I see this now after we spent years getting here.
        Anyhow – after reading parts of brogan’s book I now bring a bottle of b-12 and make it available for students -(I teach adults) anyhow – get some b-12 – most of us are chronically low on it.
        – don’t let anything rob your joy! If you were 60 lbs heavier you sure would appreciate how you look right now! We have s tendency to be high conscientious and so goal driven that it robs our joy. Especially the serious ones with a sweetheart and awesome side.

      6. I don’t see it as going on and on at all! In fact I appreciate you taking the time to chat with me. We are passionate about thriving and living well!

        I will get some b-12. Also, I am glad you said this because a little over a year ago I think I was 60 lbs heavier than I am now. Hope you are having a wonderful week!

        ❤ Alana

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