Today was a good day. My schedule is finally stabilizing and I am starting my days in the morning rather than after noon. I still get to bed kind of late, but right now it is just 10 pm so there is a chance that I could get to bed a little earlier. I have also gotten back into a morning routine ever since my birthday. I now start my day with morning yoga, foam rolling, coffee, and writing.
This week I decided to create some rough “office hours” for myself and I think it has helped. I try to stop working by 11 pm. this has given me a target and a goal to work towards. I also wanted to go to the beach as many days as I could this week and so far it has happened. Today was my 4th day in a row of beach going and I love it. The water was a beautiful crisp blue and the tide was high and wavy. I decided to ditch the snorkel and my mask was leaking a little, but I had a great time. I think tomorrow I will try using my blue goggles because the clear lenses of my mask are too bright in the sunlight.
There is another fear that I need to start facing. I am honestly afraid to drive here. The drivers here are very reckless and I see fender benders and accidents near our road nearly everyday. Being a passenger is alarming too and it makes me afraid to get behind the wheel. It is so nice that I work from home, but I do not want this apprehension to turn into an ongoing fear. I am already a very cautious and safe driver, but I will need to make sure that I am driving very defensively. I want to get places safely and I want to live.
By the time we got home from the beach I felt fairly drained. I have been feeling pretty tired lately and it is probably because my schedule is changing. I guess it is a switch to go from sleeping from 2 am to noon to all of a sudden having a more normal schedule. This evening I felt drained and I really wanted dessert or ice cream. This was the very 1st birthday that I did not have a birthday cake or treat or even a birthday drink. I am not on a set diet at the moment it was all just purely circumstantial. We were going to get ice cream tonight, but then my partner said it might be better if we try not snacking at night for awhile and see what happens. I know that he’s right, but it is hard to break the addiction.
I wanted to soothe myself with something yummy, but instead I brewed a cup of herbal tea and watched my cousin’s wedding slideshow. I usually cry when I see anything engagement or wedding related, but this was the first time that I did not cry. I am happy for him. It is crazy that we are all grown up now. As I watched the footage and saw pictures from the early 80’s I realized a few things… In the pictures my Mom was about the age I am right now and my sister looks just like her. I was also brought back in time and reminded of how life used to be. We all felt like more of a family back then. Dez was my best friend throughout most of my childhood then when he graduated from high school he moved to Hawaii to be with his Father’s family. I enjoyed seeing how tightly knit his family is. It reminds me of how my Dad’s family from Guam is and how we used to be. I always longed for that feeling of being a part of a big family and I lived for our family get-togethers.
We used to meet at my Grandparents house for the big holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Birthdays and other holidays and occasions in between. My cousins would come to my violin and voice recitals and they would cheer me on at some of my swim meets. Little by little we got busy with our own lives. Dez graduated and moved to Hawaii (as I mentioned above) we were penpals and talked on the phone for years, but then we grew apart. It was mainly my fault. I noticed the biggest difference when my Grandpa Lorenzo passed away in 2005. My Auntie Tina broke away from the family and started avoiding us and doing her own thing with “her own people.” From there the family gatherings dissipated.
This year Grandma Alice passed away and our family circle has gotten even smaller. I know that I have kind of branched off too. I guess I have been on my own doing my own thing for a long time now. I even heard that my parents and people in my family see me as the black sheep of my family. That used to hurt, but I am okay with it now.
I am okay with it now and I would like that statement to evolve into “I love the life I am living.” I do love the life that I am living, but some days we just need to rest, relax, and recover then look forward to tomorrow.