Last night I had an awful breakdown. The kind of break you feel in the midst of a breakup or a loss. When your legs shake uncontrollably, your back and body feels hot, and you cry yourself to sleep…Only to wake up and burst into more tears.
I woke up still feeling sad and almost a sense of despair that lingered around and felt like depression by the afternoon. I do not remember feeling this depressed since 2012 and it did not have a direct cause. I did not go through a breakup or a loss. Quite the opposite in fact.
I tried to cry before my birthday just to get it out of my system, but I could only squeeze out a few tears. I also felt angry and upset. Upset that I do not feel as strong as I am. Upset that I still deal with body image issues and that I put so much thought and energy into how I look and feel. I had a lump in my throat and heart that would not go away and all I wanted to do was lie in bed and sleep the day away. I had feelings of utter rejection that I used to feel back when I was anorexic.
The worst prisons are the prisons we trap ourselves in.
I think that I was breaking up with my past. Trying to fight through all the negative messages that used to trap me and make me feel small. Today I really feared that I would be stuck in depression. I kept talking about how I do not always want to feel this sad. Feeling this sad keeps me from becoming who I want to be. I realized that I have gotten into the habit of feeling sad. Now it is time for me to replace my sadness with happiness because there is so much to be happy about.
I have two choices. I can continue to breakdown or I can be brave and break through. I think a break through is what I would rather do.