Breakdown now breakthrough

IMG_0289 (1)
“Beauty in Darkness” watercolor painting ❤

Last night I had an awful breakdown.  The kind of break you feel in the midst of a breakup or a loss.  When your legs shake uncontrollably, your back and body feels hot, and you cry yourself to sleep…Only to wake up and burst into more tears.

I woke up still feeling sad and almost a sense of despair that lingered around and felt like depression by the afternoon.  I do not remember feeling this depressed since 2012 and it did not have a direct cause.  I did not go through a breakup or a loss.  Quite the opposite in fact.

I tried to cry before my birthday just to get it out of my system, but I could only squeeze out a few tears.  I also felt angry and upset.  Upset that I do not feel as strong as I am.  Upset that I still deal with body image issues and that I put so much thought and energy into how I look and feel.  I had a lump in my throat and heart that would not go away and all I wanted to do was lie in bed and sleep the day away.  I had feelings of utter rejection that I used to feel back when I was anorexic.

The worst prisons are the prisons we trap ourselves in.

I think that I was breaking up with my past.  Trying to fight through all the negative messages that used to trap me and make me feel small.  Today I really feared that I would be stuck in depression.  I kept talking about how I do not always want to feel this sad.  Feeling this sad keeps me from becoming who I want to be. I realized that I have gotten into the habit of feeling sad.  Now it is time for me to replace my sadness with happiness because there is so much to be happy about.

I have two choices.  I can continue to breakdown or I can be brave and break through.  I think a break through is what I would rather do.

❤ Alana

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “Breakdown now breakthrough

  1. We’re all human.

    Those feelings make you human!

    The strength it takes to write those words is unparalleled.

    You’re stronger than 99%…as…you put your true self on here for us all to view.

    A rare gift…a rare strength to find in somebody.

    Keep ya chin up…smile…laugh…dance frolic…and…don’t forget how amazing you are.

    ✌️❤️

  2. I know that feeling as well as many others. You can imagine in my 71 years, the majority with anxiety and panic attacks. I would throw up each time it hppened, and was down to 91 lbs at one time. I talk to myself all the time in a positive way. Yes, the doctor has me on a whole lot of meds, but that’s because I am a 24/7 caregiver for my hubby, who has 5 chronic illnesses, and slight dementia, which is getting to me, as it’s so hard to handle. Put that smile on your face, like I do, and think that today can only get better. You are certainly not alone in your thoughts.

    1. Thank you for inspiring me, Susie. It takes incredible strength and selflessness to be there for your husband. I am so glad that you are taking care of yourself too. You are such a pillar of strengthen and are amazing for smiling through it all.

      ❤ Alana

  3. I understand your situations , and I kind of relate to your story and it’s hard to cope with them emotionals I hope that you find strength and peace, ❤️ ✌above and beyond eternally your welcome to read my blog on mental health if you want to have a read. As i’ve been through similar issues myself. Take good care of yourself.

  4. I understand your situations, I can relate to your story, I hope you find strength and faith✌❤️ I have been through similar issues myself, and i wish you every happiness my love,you are more than welcome to read my mental health blog if you want too. Take care of yourself.

    1. Thank you for stopping by and reading. I am sorry that you experience these issues too. I am sending you hugs, love, and hope you will find peace. I am looking forward to reading your blog. Thanks again.

      ❤ Alana

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s