I have a problem that I have known about for awhile. I work my butt off, throw my heart and soul into training or a project, but when it gets close to performance day I find little ways to sabotage myself. Staying up late. Procrastinating. Subbing extra shifts for people who never reciprocate. Waiting until the last minute. Spreading myself too thin. Worrying about EVERYTHING. Not doing what needs to be done. Being there for everyone except myself.
In past relationships. Choosing people who never chose me. Or being in a healthy relationship, but constantly worrying and waiting for things to go wrong (when they are not) until they do (because I sabotaged things to avoid getting hurt.)
My problem is that I sabotage myself. When I say that I have sabotaged past relationships I don’t mean that I cheated or was unfaithful. I was either super insecure and showed the broken parts of myself or I pushed the person away so that I could be in control and ultimately “avoid being hurt.”
In the past I could somewhat camouflage my self sabotage because I was struggling so hard in all areas of my life. The sabotage just blended in with the other struggles like working 4 jobs to make ends meet or stress eating which soothed me and sabotaged my fitness goals.
Now that I am finally starting to stack up some wins I can more clearly see when I am sabotaging myself. Like this week I noticed that my default state of being has been sadness. I could have the most amazing experiences and a wonderful day business wise then JUST FEEL SAD. It really gets me down and I can tell that it brings down the people around me.
Why do I sabotage myself? I think it is because I feel like I do not deserve to live well and be happy. I do not want to blame my strict asian upbringing infused with Catholic shame, but I know it contributed. Now here I am free to dream and live out my dreams, but I end up feeling sad and overwhelmed.
I do not expect every single day of my life to be full of sunshine and rainbows, but I do know that I do not have to default to feeling sad all the time. Happiness is a choice and I want to start choosing it.
It is hard to read, but my painting says, “And I finally decided to be happy again.” And that is exactly what I want to do. I want to be happy again and I have so many reasons to be.