This one is challenging, but it is another opportunity for me to practice letting go.
I try not to worry about the opinions of strangers (within reason I still want to be respected), but it hurts when my family judges me. I wish that my mom would stop gossiping about me and my life’s choices (yes, I am hiding a mini rant into this post.) It is one thing if the chatter is true, but it is unfair when stories are being made up and fabricated to make me look bad.
My family has sort of always painted me to be the black sheep of my family, the rebel, but I do not think I am doing that badly… Yes, I took a break from college at the age of 19 after getting thrown off a horse and landing on my neck. The chronic neck pain and migraines were nearly debilitating and I needed to come home to heal. I went right back to community college the next fall quarter and also worked full-time to pay for my tuition and expenses. Back then I was taking my pre-requisites for nursing school. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had continued on that journey at the age of 20…
I wish you hadn’t drowned me in shame for “failing in school because I didn’t try hard enough (it was the accident again.” ) I messed up when I took a train down to Cali and spent two years in an abusive relationship, but I own my mistakes and take responsibility for them. Back then I was young, dumb, and thought I was in love. Those mistakes have sculpted me into who I am and of course I wish I would have taken more of your advice to keep me on the straight and narrow.
So yes, I had tumultuous late teens to early 20’s, but I am in my early 30’s now and I wish you would not hold my past so harshly against me. I believed you when you told me I was a failure and that is what I became for years, but I wish I would have known that I didn’t have to be. I am glad that I decided to be brave, strike out on my own once again, and learn that I am not a failure and I have so much to offer. And that it is not to late for me (that is the way you made me feel when I was 20.)
It doesn’t have to be this way.
We could all uplift and inspire each other, offer a shoulder, listening ears, and comforting hugs. Hands to help. We could dream even bigger than we ever thought possible. We could talk through the issues and shine light to wash out the darkness. There would be tears, and disagreements, but we could learn to work through them. We could go on more grand adventures and “make the most of life before most of life is over.”
I miss the laughter.
I miss the memories.
I miss the adventures.
I miss the storytelling (real stories that happened.)
If I seem quiet it does not mean that I do not love you. I love you every day and wish it didn’t have to be this way. I wish that you could accept who I am right here and now and see me the way I am learning to see myself.
I wish you could be happy for me because I have worked so hard to get here.
I feel like spending time away is like missing out on memories that could be made together. But I need to love from a distance because I cannot be blamed anymore for things I never did. I cannot be demeaned. I cannot be disrespected.
It is hard, but I know that letting go is liberating. And I am still leaving room in my heart.